Core Values

“Just be yourself”, “Be true to who you are”, “Know yourself”, “You do you”.

Phrases like these are common, but it’s surprising how many of us can secretly struggle with the concept of who we are on an authentic level.

From the ages of around 5-18, we are particularly invested in a developmental phase of identity formation.

We learn who we are from our early life experiences and from those around us: It’s our caregivers who initially shape our sense of identity and worth, and then our friendship groups become important later on in sculpting our notion of the place we hold in society and our sense of value and belonging. If we think we aren’t enough or that we don’t fit in or truly belong, it can have a huge impact on our self-concept (in terms of the beliefs we form about ourselves). It can also impact us on a physiological level: preventing us from experiencing a felt sense of safety in our bodies. 

Plenty can happen in life to interfere with the developmental process of identity formation (or call this into question in later life): we might suffer bullying or experience a bereavement or abuse of some kind. We might struggle in certain subjects in school or have a medical issue to contend with. Perhaps our parents were critical, or we fall into a pattern of comparing ourselves unfavourably to others. Maybe we move house and struggle to access a feeling of belonging. The list is endless.

Even if things go well in early life, our concept of worth can inadvertently become intertwined with achievement, looking a certain way, being a ‘grafter’, being popular, or a personality attribute (such as being a ‘ray of sunshine’). We may feel good enough as long as the conditions of our metric for self-esteem continue to be met, but it’s not a long-term strategy given that everything in life is transient and impermanent. So what happens when it simply isn’t possible to live up to these unrealistic expectations?

When our identity or self-worth is shaken, we may feel anxious in social situations, berate ourselves, find it difficult to form deep bonds with others, or feel lost (as we lack an internal compass to guide our behaviour and decision making). We may try to cope with this in an infinite number of ways, ranging from putting on a front when we’re with others, to chronic substance abuse.

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When individuals describe themselves, there is huge variety in what they might say. Some may describe their identity in material terms, such as the car they drive. Others might tell you what job they do if this is what defines them, or talk about their relationships, hobbies or passions. For others, religious or political views might get centre stage. Some even derive their identity from the geographical area they live in or a personality trait they feel is important to their sense of self.

Given the inconsistency from others in the way they speak about their self-concept, the question of who we are can be hard for us to answer in later life if it hasn’t happened naturally (or if it gets shaken later down the line). This is where core values can come in handy. However, this work is also really useful more generally as having an explicit connection with core values can help us steer the ship, which is always helpful (irrespective of how stormy the seas are or how the ship is constructed). 

Core values are the essence of what we stand for in life

Core values tend to remain stable over time so, in ten years from now, although there will be much about your life that will be different, it’s likely your values will be the same. If equality is important to you at age 20 for example, it’s very likely that it still will be at 40. Therefore, this consistency/stability can be really helpful when we’re trying to connect with ourselves on an authentic level.

The other great thing about values is they speak on a deep level about who we are as people, and connecting with them can guide our actions and behaviours. They can act like a compass that can direct us, even when we feel lost. Values are not about aspirations or achievements, but rather how we choose to conduct ourselves in daily life. They’re about how we approach ourselves, others, and the world around us. When we are living a life largely consistent with our values, we feel authentic and grounded. Although this is true whether we’re consciously labelling our values or not, it can be helpful to deliberately put words to them to assist the process of connecting (or reconnecting) with ourselves. There’s an exercise that can help with this.

Identifying our Values

The spectrum of values one can hold is vast, and the following consolidated list highlights some of the most prominent ones. Remember, the concept of ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ values is subjective, akin to personal preferences in food. What matters is finding values that resonate with you, on an intuitive level.

When contemplating the values below, it’s helpful to consider the domains of relationships, work/education, personal development/wellness and leisure.

As you review this list, rate each value based on its relevance to your life. Put a tick in the checkbox to the left for any that feel especially significant. Ultimately you’ll be developing a shortlist of around seven so, if you find yourself ticking loads of boxes, try to imagine how you’d feel if you couldn’t live at all in line with each value. This may help separate what’s important to you, from what’s of fundamental significance.